Religious Satire

Warning: contains old english (some of it made up) and religious slander

Fairly warned be ye of christian faith!

Plot: Adam, the first man of god, discovers the meaning of god’s mandates and fulfills them with his companion, Eve. God, regretting his mandate on account of the terrible noise, casts them from paradise, which proves to be only a greater folly. First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness…And God said, 'Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters.' And God made the firmament and separated the waters, which were under the firmament from the waters, which were above the firmament.

And it was so…And God said, 'Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens.' So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good…And God said, 'Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds.' And it was so…And God saw that it was good. Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.' So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. The first male he named Adam, and the female he named Eve. And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.' And god left them to their own devices, to which Adam and Eve grappled with the meaning of god’s words. Adam asked Eve “Howest doth thou planest to be fruitful and multiply?” To which she replied, “Alas, I haven’t the foggiest!” So Adam wandered the Eden, pondering how best to serve god. His eyes wandered to the tree of knowledge, which bore the red fruit of wisdom, but he averted them under god’s instruction. For contained within was both the ability to appease his master, and the route to his wrath. So Adam continued to wander and happened upon the first Wolves, who had just birthed their first litter of pups. The first of men stared at the unkempt children and was taken by wonder.

“What is that which I see before me?”

“These are the fulfillments of god’s decree!” replied the beaming mother wolf “the earth has given us life and we, who are of the earth, have given life of our own.”

“It is amazement I see before me!” Adam declared, “were I only to discover the secret!” The father wolf look to Adam and asked “Adam, wouldest thou take a walk with me?” So the wolf left and Adam followed down the forested path. It was not until the mother and pups were well out of sight that the wolf spoke again.

“Adam, have thou often wondered at the purpose of thy extension?”

“Indeed, I have brother wolf,” he answered “it just dangles uselessly before me. Many times have I tried to make use of it, as I would an arm or a leg, but it cannot clutch a rock as a hand could and it cannot support me as a foot would. Thusly, I have often thought of it as a tail, similar to yours, but it is facing entirely the wrong way! Perhaps I should simply be rid of it.”

“That would be most unwise,” the wolf cautioned “for the secret to being fruitful lies within that same extension.” Adam, voice filled with wonder, asked the wolf how this could be so.

“I can not demonstrate just how so,” he replied “but I may impart upon thee the spoken knowledge.” And so it was with an eager ear that Adam received the technique of multiplication from the wolf’s vivid descriptions. Thanking the wolf, he raced back to Eve to pass and ferment the knowledge onward. Wondering how such a thing was possible, she had Adam demonstrate what he had learned, and soon she was thanking god for such a capable companion. From therein was birthed a popular form of procreation, labeled by Adam as “the wolf’s way,” that has survived to this very day (only under a different name). But god, napping after the difficult days of creation, heard Eve’s praises for him only through a chorus of bestial sounds. He looked down and saw that the sounds were projections of Eve’s own voice; provoked and twisted by Adam’s extension, into noises he didn’t think she was capable of making. And God saw that the noise was bad and God came down to Eden to bid them silence. But the two, so enthralled to the pleasure of fulfilling god’s wishes, seemed not to notice. At first, god tried to tolerate, but with night after sleepless-night interrupted by the near-constant howls his patience grew thin. Therefore, he cast Adam and Eve out of Eden, bombarding them with the apples of knowledge so as to make them run away faster. They escaped to a lower firmament, which was so far below god that he could no longer hear their voices. Content with his work, god returned to rest.

So Adam and Eve multiplied and grew fruitful on the lower firmament, and they and god both were happy. Until, of course, that fated day when the archangel Lucifer was cast down for rebelling against god (there were no labor union laws back then). He tumbled past Eden and onto the lower firmament where the sounds of men appeasing god’s wishing assaulted his ears. Driven mad from the incessant moans and howls, he tunneled into the bowels of the earth to escape such torment. But even as he did so, a dark scheme was hatched in his mind. He beset mankind with the insatiable sin of lust upon which they acted fervently. The population of the lower firmament soared and soon it was aflame with sinful cries of pleasure. God above, who had once been safe from such, sounds due to the distance between him and mankind, was again beset with the ear-splitting chorus. For although the distance had not closed, the greater number of mouths on the lower firmament allowed for more volume to be produced. As Lucifer chuckled quietly within the earth, with boulders protecting his fragile ears, god dealt with the sin of lust. Had he destroyed it then humans would have been unable to fulfill his desires for their multiplication and prosperity. So he decreed that humans would only partake in it to multiply and they would multiply only very painfully and very slowly so that he need not hear their pleasured cries so very often. To enforce his law, he banded together all those whom could never please a woman and created his first Holy Church. With his will set, he returned to heaven to catch up on much needed rest.